By Tyler Norman
I am confused.
I am angry.
I am conflicted.
Not really sure…
It’s just hard to find somebody like, like him.
I want someone to laugh, cry, and grow with – a friend.
Now, I have friends but, I just don’t have him.
I don’t have someone to call at any time and go everywhere with.
Someone who genuinely loves my presence.
Someone who craves my affection.
Someone, someone who isn’t selfish.
I’m caught up.
Caught up in the idea that these qualities could only be found with him.
The first time I saw him I knew I wanted to be his friend.
There was something about him.
What was it?
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
There was something about the way he carried himself.
The way people were instantly attracted to him.
Before I knew it, it was me.
I was one of those people.
To try and stay inconspicuous
I rolled my eyes.
Pretended he was just a friend.
Inside I wanted more.
I knew that I would never be good enough for him though.
I was insecure.
I thought he saw me as a sweet and innocent girl.
But that was later found to be a fallacy.
For four years, I sat on the bleachers and cheered him on.
But we were not even together.
I was his best friend, and that is all I would be.
But everything changed on the senior trip.
“You know he likes you”, my friends each echoed.
The entire school knew.
“He’s a great guy”, my teachers said.
Why did teachers know more about my love life than I did?
I knew the type of game he played, but he played it well.
I would block his shots.
But he was so persistent.
I gave in a little more each time.
Every weekend after that no longer consisted of me, myself, and I, but him and I.
His effort was unmatched.
And knowingly I fell into his trap.
We were now the perfect couple, or so everyone thought.
Sadly, this fairytale was short lived.
One, he was moving.
Two, he cheated on me and waited until he left the state to tell me.
Every time I thought about it I was enraged.
Why was he still friends with her?
The rule is, “Never trust someone who is still friends with his ex”.
My friends warned me, but I ignored them.
“Crazy girlfriend” was a label that I didn’t want to wear.
They were just friends, right?
His name only brought hurt and pain.
Was I not enough for him?
Why couldn’t he be loyal?
Questions flooded my mind.
Did I really want to know the answers?
I wanted to flush my mind and forget, but I couldn’t.
“Please just listen”, his messages read.
I didn’t want to talk or think about him.
I just wanted him to feel the hurt that I felt.
I couldn’t forgive him without forgetting what he did.
His words all became lies.
They held no value to me.
My shock turned into confusion.
My confusion turned into hurt.
My hurt turned to anger.
My anger turned into conflicting thoughts.
He was having intercourse with my emotions.
Even though I know the rule, I wanted to break it for closure.
I want to break the silence.
I want to go back to being friends again.
But, some people are better left out of your life.
If I could go back, we would remain friends forever.
One day, I’ll move on and break the silence.
I have to make the change myself.
I have to make a change in myself.
I see the potential in people, but I am too scared that they will hurt me like he did.
I have to stop comparing everyone that comes into my life to him.
One day, I will forget all about our high school love story.
Someone else, someone better will fill the void
I will not be able to use your actions as my excuse anymore.
Life always goes on.
Life has to go on.
But now I know, it’s better off to be friends than to never speak again.